european. 27. love metal music, trail running and animals. currently training for my first ultra. cool as fuck ;-)
This year was strange, I trained but did not become better, I actually had the feeling to get worse. I was unconcentrated, injured 3 times and had the feeling something inside me was holding me back. An unkown distress, too much to “run” it out. The rhythm of step - breath - heartbeat was disturbed.
Therefore, I was kind of worried about my ultra goal for this year. After my knee injury, I knew I couldn’t do it. So I though to do about 28k at that race - better than nothing. Two weeks before the race, after break-up of a long-term relationship, grief took all over me. I couldn’t eat, sleep, started smoking again. And I couldn’t run at all.
My body needed all the engergy to recover. A run seemed impossible. Even the possibility of injury is higher during high stress period. I was not sure what to do with the race in such condition.
The day before the race, I decided to do it. I am fucking insane and did the 28k without proper training and preparation. I had to walk a lot, I had cramps after km 18, at some point I just though I should sit down and cry, but I continued. I expierinced probably all emotion during these hours, the good and the bad. And at km 25 something happened. The inner distress, I carried this year with me, fell off. It melted away and I could feel my rhythm coming back, my running mojo. My body was done, but my mind was clear and open.
I made it to the finish line. I had to think about, what happened to me the last 4 hours (yep, took me long time). And I thought about the quote of Jurek, I posted long time ago:
"But the longer and farther I ran, the more I realized that what I was often chasing was a state of mind - a place where worries that seemed monumental melted away, where the beauty and timelessness of the universe, of the present moment, came into sharp focus.”
I might finally understand, what he means.
My advice, if you going trough hard times, you might consider to take your time off, if you need it. A week or two, or even a month. But after, go to the limits, do it, even if you struggle or vomit or whatever. Just don’t do it alone, help should be near, if needed. And after you broke that through, that wall that enclosed you, at that point you will find something, something that you can’t put in words.
Running taught me a lot this year about myself. And I am eager to learn.@2 days ago with 1 note